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Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
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7:35 pm - first post in over 2 months and i need a place to stay next week.
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Right now I'm staying on a futon in Port Chester with a couple of friends; this weekend I'm scheduled to look at a few different apartments in Brooklyn/Queens that open up June 1st. BUT the friends I'm staying with are in the process of moving to Yonkers in between taking summer classes and working long hours, so they can only keep me until early next week. Consequently after this weekend, I'll need a place to stay until June 1st (which is less than a week of time housing my ass).
I hate to make a generic bullshit mass post like this, it makes me feel like an asshole, but I really have no idea who would have an open couch to sleep on since everyone's dispersed for the summer and I know a lot of people are either too far away to consider OR they're already living in crowded circumstances OR worried about looking for or moving into other places themselves. Again, I'd need to leave this current place probably on Monday, so I'd be staying at your place for less than a week; I don't leave dishes in the sink, I don't eat other people's food without asking, and I have a shitload of DVDs you can watch. Also I could buy you booze.
I've posted this a couple of other places today; I just need to hear back ASAP because nobody's responded in the five or so hours since I first posted this message elsewhere and if nobody can take me in for the last week of May, and I haven't had time to reserve a room at a hostel or something, I'm going to be really screwed.
current mood:  stressed
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| Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
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9:59 pm - blatant falsehoods
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Man, this LJ has been so negative lately that I can hardly stand to read through my entries/comments. Facebook and Myspace are better indicators of what's up with me lately (especially since I've started uploading my senior project video to YouTube and posted the link to both of those places).
Last weekend I decided I should invent some false significant-other persona in case a guy tries to hit on me and I'm not into him at all (and I don't have a suitable male friend in the vicinity to claim that I am "with").
Consequently, if, say, some broseph with gelled hair and a skeezebag goatee attempts to charm his way into my "exotic/goth" pants with references to metal bands or whatever else he thinks I listen to based on how I dress, I can tell him I'm seeing a nice Jewish boy named Adam Kescher (you win a gold star if you know where I stole the name from) who goes to SVA. Unless I deem it more advantageous to portray myself as exclusively into women, in which case my girlfriend is Mina Trekovsky (ten points if you know where I got that last name), who is blonde and Polish and goes to NYU.
Unless, of course, I'm being hit on by someone I'm actually into, in which case such blatant falsehoods need not apply.
current music: Agnivolok - "Henbane"
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| Thursday, February 7th, 2008
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8:07 pm - random but interesting
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79% Mike Gravel
74% Bill Richardson
72% Dennis Kucinich
68% Chris Dodd
65% Barack Obama
63% John Edwards
61% Joe Biden
61% Hillary Clinton
52% Ron Paul
45% Rudy Giuliani
39% John McCain
35% Mitt Romney
34% Mike Huckabee
31% Tom Tancredo
28% Fred Thompson
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
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7:37 pm - update #1: public!
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-As of today I've officially been homeless/living out of a suitcase with most of my shit in a Port Chester storage locker for a full month. I spent a little over a week in Bronxville with ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) subrosasum, a little over a week in Oakdale, Long Island with leadman83 and Meghan, then went back to Purchase and spent a few days on the couch of thespinlights and bellyflowers, then about a little over a week (minus a couple of nights) on the couch at G4-3 (aka the home of "dirty pretentious film guys" according to some of you, although one of those guys graduated and moved to California and another one abruptly moved out a couple of days ago, apparently because--as he often complained to me--he was sick of Ray and Anthony being messy and inconsiderate, so Ray is the last of the original G4-3 guys still living there), and tonight I go elsewhere in the Olde. I don't like to stay in any one place for more than about a week and a half as I don't want to wear out my welcome; I also have my entire 200+ DVD collection with me in three alphabetized binders, which anyone who hosts my ass can make use of while I'm staying there.
-I've gotten a lead on a video-related job; the guy I was told to contact wrote back asking for more information so I hope that goes somewhere and I don't have to start brushing up on those Genet skills (whoring and thievery). I also know a girl in the film program who says she's looking for an editor for a project she agreed to shoot about Agnes Moorehead. I'm kind of holding off looking for apartments until I find a way to make money, since I found out the hard way that nobody wants to rent to unemployed young people.
-I've been going into the city about once a week, and I'm wondering where the hell all the New York Press kiosks went because reading Armond White's pretentious film reviews is less fun through the internet than on paper. I also eat lots of pizza because it's generally $2.00-2.75 for a big slice of cheese pizza. POOR SKILLZ.
-Did I mention I graduated? Because I did. I made 33 DVD copies of my senior project to distribute, of which I only have 3 left since the demand to see it was a lot higher than I'd expected, considering it was nearly an hour long and not a whole lot of people had seen my video work beforehand. The response has generally been positive, though; I want to put it online, but can't at the moment because the internet would reject it for being too big and long (no double entendres, plz).
-I just added a handful of Eljay people I realized I know outside of the internet. So yeah, you know me, I'm not getting my doctorate in Stalkerology.
current music: Music Man soundtrack - "Ya Got Trouble"
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| Friday, January 11th, 2008
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6:08 pm - brief update
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I moved all my shit off-campus and into a storage locker in Port Chester. I am temporarily living out of my biggest suitcase and staying in Bronxville with subrosasum; today is the first day since leaving my Purchase apartment that I haven't gone into NYC to look at apartments or apply for work (tomorrow the hunt resumes).
current music: Mickey Avalon - "My Dick"
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| Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
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8:35 pm - so it appears that . . .
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. . . I'm going to be homeless by Tuesday. If anyone has a couch I could sleep on for a week at most (I don't know how long I'm going to be without an apartment, but I don't want to wear out my welcome anywhere), starting Monday or Tuesday, I'd be much obliged/give you booze and/or share whatever food I have left.
current mood:  una vida transienta
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
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5:07 pm - well, haven't you heard? i took my chance on a beautiful stranger.
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I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions, but there's a list of things I have to do regardless of which numeral sits at the end of the listed year:
-Get a job (preferably in something I actually enjoy doing, even if it's only as an unpaid internship at first)
-Get an apartment once I can afford it
-Distribute my senior video (DVDs to friends, chopping up the .MOV file for YouTube)
-Either get my camcorder fixed or get a new one (again, once I can afford it)
-If I meet a guy who is genuinely intelligent, wears buttoned-down shirts or otherwise old-fashioned style, and really knows about film (especially if he also knows about literature), I need to run the fuck away, because chances are excellent I'll end up getting too attached to him and experience has proven that the young men I have the strongest feelings for (who generally fit that description) are, with few exceptions, some manner of bastard. I started off this past semester just wanting to have casual fun and, without warning, ended up falling for a guy I'd been fooling around with, who ended up ranking among the biggest manipulative assholes of my life. Thus if I sense myself falling for someone again, I need to get the fuck out of that situation before this happens again. Armor on, knives out. It makes me wish I had more of an emotional interest in women, although women who share my esoteric interests are even harder to find than men who do, and I'm sure there are plenty of bitches in the mix regardless.
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| Saturday, December 29th, 2007
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2:32 am - starving artists
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I am feeling really fucking negative about my ability to get a job. Most of my expertise is in video/film-related shit and there just don't seem to be many openings for positions anywhere in that field beyond part-time unpaid internships (and this is after looking on Craigslist, Purchase JobScore, MyWorkster, etc.). And most positions in other fields I have any degree of skill in require you to have x number of years of practical/paid experience (like, for a proofreading job, minimum two years experience, etc.). And I feel like most retail-type jobs that require less experience will either not pay enough for me to sustain rent and be able to feed myself, will be full by the time I apply, or will take weeks to get back to me that I can't afford to waste (like, I applied online to Borders in May and never heard back at all). I looked at an apartment earlier today that seems promising, but I'm wary at the moment of signing a lease because, even though I can afford rent for a couple of months, food and transportation are going to chip away at what I have saved up while I look for work; maybe I should just put all my shit in a storage locker and stay on couches until I find a job (not that anyone would want to hire somebody without a permanent address, either).
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| Monday, December 24th, 2007
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3:39 am - when you walk by, randy as a goat; sleeping on the pavement but she'd be warm in your coat
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Earlier tonight I started watching Camille Claudel, but I had to pause it and take a nap after an hour as I'd had a big dinner of Hamburger Helper. I slept for a couple of hours and had a dream, of which I only remember the following fragment:
I was in a fairly old home, in a room that seemed to be a study or library, with dark green walls and mahogany shelves full of leatherbound books. Anthony* was in the next room. I walked over to a far corner, in a sparse section of wall between a doorway (without a door, just the frame) and window (with closed venetian blinds). This section was painted blue and it seemed like this part of the house was empty or abandoned. A white cat with large gray spots sat on top of a set of three yellow-painted wooden steps propped flush against the wall and it occurred to me that I should pay attention to remember this dream when I woke up. To the right of the yellow steps was a doorway set about a foot above the ground, bordered in dark wood like a picture frame and a couple of feet high at most; what I could see of the other side looked like the mossy ground of a forest. I wondered how I would be able to fit inside.
( From whence came the asterisk beside Anthony's name? )
In other news, I finished my senior project video. It's 55 minutes long (egads!) and I practically lived in the video lab last week trying to finish it: a stretch of eight hours without leaving the VA building one day became 12 hours the next, then 16, then a full 24. But despite that, I haven't graduated yet. The only thing standing between me and my Bachelor of Arts would be two signatures. I was so busy finishing typing up my senior thesis that I missed running into my project sponsor and she wasn't in on Friday (the due date); also, only last week I realized I also had to have a "second reader" for my thesis and it was far too late to find one. So I'll have to talk to the registrar this week to see what I can do, if it would be acceptable to turn it in early next semester or whether I wouldn't be able to turn it in next semester without paying that semester's tuition (and my parents have said outright that they couldn't afford to pay any more tuition, which probably means they don't feel like it as they've always been cheap with me and they want to spend their money on vacations during their upcoming retirement).
I'm going to start calling about apartments this week and get my resume online. I'll probably look for an apartment around Port Chester because it would be easier to move my shit there than Brooklyn or Queens, where I'd initially wanted to move. I feel awfully pessimistic about finding work; I worry that I'll be stuck in menial labor for several months as I have almost no paid work experience and I'm not a college graduate, not to mention most places aren't really hiring around this time of year.
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| Sunday, December 2nd, 2007
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5:32 am - like a monkey with a miniature cymbol
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Well, I did grow up in Missouri.
| What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio. | | The West | | | The Inland North | | | Boston | | | North Central | | | The Northeast | | | The South | | | Philadelphia | | What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz |
current music: Hot Chip - "Over and Over"
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2007
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12:17 am - zurückkommen
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God damn, it's been over a year since I posted in this thing. Just last night I updated my profile and interests for the first time in just as long. I've been absent so long as I've mostly been making posts on Facebook under my real name during the past year.
I finally sold out and got one of those expanded accounts with big, ugly ads on the side so I could upload photos without the hassle of going through Photobucket, and so I could make more userpics. Look, I made a new one already. It is of Klaus Kinski. Know him. Love him. He needs your love.
If I've just added you and you don't know who I am, I never use my real name on LJ, but perhaps you'll recognize this picture I drew:
current music: Seven Pines - "Le Reve de Fand"
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| Thursday, August 10th, 2006
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12:14 am - "foul temptress! see you in hades!"--mtv's next
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I just realized today that before this morning, I hadn't posted in over a month. So I've just spent time catching up with a few weeks' worth of my friends page. Some of my good friends don't seem to be online much these days, so it's easy to lose touch with people, isolated as I am in Kansas. The most interesting consistent aspect of my life has been a series of lengthy dreams with occasional occult symbolism.
Last Friday I had my wisdom teeth extracted. One of the women in the operating room--an intern, I'm assuming--apparently recognized me as someone she went to high school with, and it turns out she graduated the year after I did. I had various monitors strapped to both wrists, an ankle, the tip of my right index finger, and a contracting band around my left arm. The most serious surgeries I'd had before this were to remove ingrown toenails and fill cavities, which only required shots of novocaine, so this was a little unusual. I had an IV of anesthetic inserted into my arm and I blacked out fairly soon after I was asked to lean back in the dental chair.
The next thing I remember was waking up in a different room where a strange woman in pink scrubs handed me my own teeth in a small bottle. Things were sort of happy/hazy from then on. I recall spitting up blood into a garbage bin and the nurse helping pull my arm out of my sleeve to give me an anti-nausea shot that left a painful bump that's still partly there. I don't remember the wheelchair ride back to the car and during the ride home I shut my eyes and half-napped to vague pictures in my head.
For the next few hours I had to periodically change bloody gauze pads staunching the leak from my gums, and I ate nothing but ice cream and smoothies over the first couple of days. Overall there really wasn't much pain; there was barely any swelling and no bruising. I've only taken a handful of the prescription hydrocodone: it makes me feel a little silly initially, then I get slightly nauseous looking at the computer screen and don't feel like doing much but napping for the next couple hours. The most annoying thing? Starting Monday, after every meal, I have to wash out the open gumholes from my impacted teeth with a curved syringe full of foul-tasting mouth rinse. "Peppermint flavor" is one of the ingredients, but it tastes like chemical ass. It's like I have a pair of tiny vaginas in my lower jaw that I have to periodically give a mouth douche. Sometimes I also have to pick out small particles of food caught in those small openings, which I'm hoping will shrivel and close the way my upper sockets did, because that shit is annoying.
There you go, making up for a month without entries by giving you far more about my medical history than you ever wanted to know.
current mood:  ALIVE
current music: teevee sleaze
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| Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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2:19 pm - community spirit! shopping! food!
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I can't decide which of these movies promises to be more absolutely godawful.
current mood:  nicolas cage is a shorn ape
current music: free to be! bein' free!
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| Saturday, June 24th, 2006
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1:02 am - "i'm spoiled because i CHOOSE to be!"--Blind Date chick
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I'm finally back on the internet on a computer of my own, after two months: I got a new Dell desktop (this model, if you'd care to know, with a widescreen monitor and speakers with a subwoofer). My laptop has been out for three weeks at the factory.
Not much has happened lately apart from that. I've been saving money for a digital video camera and am earning $150 for three days of work unpacking boxes and organizing things at the school where my mother works. No summer job, primarily because transportation is an issue: I don't drive/own a car, public transportation is nonexistent here, it takes at least 15 minutes just to walk out of the suburbs from my house, and my mother pulled some devious and penny-pinching shit when I needed her to drive me home from my last summer job three years ago. I've started playing computer games again: I used to love adventure games but never had the time to play them through the past few years, until I replayed a bunch of my old games last summer when my laptop was at the factory the first time.
In a few weeks I'll have been single for a year--and I'll be relieved when that milestone passes. Away from occasional hormonal distractions I encounter at college, I can accept with a clear head that I have never experienced true mutual attraction and frankly never will, since, to put it simply, other people's flaws are just not compatible with my own. Not to mention I almost always end up despising the people I'm attracted to because of lifelong patterns related in various ways to the above reason. I don't apologize for this. Why should I make myself miserable hanging out with someone who saps my energy and gives my brain angry spasms, for the sake of keeping up appearances? When I was much younger, I used to try that with "friends" who tried to fuck with my mind and manipulate me so they could laugh behind my back together, and of course they ended up pulling the same shit over and over again, never knowing or caring how much they were hurting me. Better in my mind to just cut people like that out of your life altogether, like ripping weeds out of a garden.
Sometimes, as sort of a guilty pleasure, I watch Blind Date to remind myself of what I'm not missing. It really makes me glad I've never dated casually or been part of any "dating scene" since it seems most people on these shows are either deceptive, shallow, and/or completely deluded (a recent spoiled rich bitch claimed her ideal man should be "a darling badminton player"). The men largely just want to get ass (then why are you going on a date with romantic pretenses instead of going to a local dive bar and strapping on a pair of heavy-duty beer goggles? Or paying a prostitute like an honest man, you cheap bastard?); the women tend to be on the rebound from a long-term relationship, unable to hear over the alarm of their biological clock ringing in their ears, or also on the hunt for ass, though in the last case they delude their dates and/or selves into thinking they really want romance so as not to be seen as "slutty."
It actually seems like women are far more likely to get away with overt shallowness than men are: I've seen girls reject their dates for not having the idealized huge rippling biceps and chiseled six-pack (imagine a guy saying on television that he wouldn't go out with a girl again because "she was only a C cup"), complain that "he wasn't tall enough" when the guy was already at least half a foot above her, and openly admit they're looking for a guy with "lots of money to spend on me" (or, to be classy, a man with "career goals and ambitions") while a man who admitted to wanting the same from a woman would rightfully be considered a lazy mooch. Lady, focus on earning your own damn money. "Trophy wife" is not a career goal.
Watching Elimidate in particular will pretty much make you despise young American primarily-white heterosexuals. This is a show where one person is set up on a date with four others of the opposite sex and then eliminates them one-by-one throughout the date. Supposedly there are episodes with a female "chooser" but in the few episodes I've watched, I've only seen one guy with four girls. From what I've seen, the winner is usually the girl who's spent the most time and effort trying to shove her tongue down the guy's throat and lay eggs there OR the girl who's spent the most time and effort badmouthing and picking fights with the other girls. What I call Bitch Tactics--that is, instigating pointless drama while portraying yourself as a victim or innocent bystander--really comes into play during the latter scenario: while revealing initial information about themselves, one girl might say something that comes across as defensive or suspicious, and one or two of the other girls (a third always shuts up and stays out of it) will immediately get on her ass about it, proclaiming that she must not really work at that company or that her ex must have cheated on her because it was her own fault. This provokes some heated bickering that inevitably gets the targeted girl eliminated. In the next round, the two bitchiest (according to my definition) girls will either start attacking the quietest or shyest girl (who will be accused behind-the-scenes of "not having a personality") or start/continue digging in to each other, often using something like personal appearance or choice of work to imply that the other girl is a "whore." It's worth noting that the girl most aggressive in her use of Bitch Tactics is invariably the least attractive of the four, and I'd say that's no coincidence.
If this drama doesn't happen at the beginning, the guy will opt to kick out the girl with the fewest trappings of contemporary mainstream "beauty:" the obvious blonde streaks, burnt-orange tan, fake boobs (yes, I've seen it more than once), and fossilized gym abs. Later on, there may be some pathetic attempt at a sexual power play in which the guy and remaining girls act like they're terribly "decadent" and outrageous because he's inserted his Tab A into Slot B while not involved in a monogamous relationship and she's tentatively made out with another girl on the dance floor to get men to notice her.
We learn little to nothing about the men on this show except they want to get laid and often have inflated egos (is this really any surprise?). They tend to just sit back and watch dumbly while the girls bicker with each other: "Oh man, girls talkin' about chick shit. I'll just stand back smiling 'cause I guess this has something to do with me. Heh, they're like fighting over me. Cool. Boobies."
There's a new reality show out where a couple of "dating experts" coach four women whose personalities have been conveniently stereotyped: there's the "Party Girl," the "Girl-Next-Door," the New-Agey "Dreamer" and the supposedly-too-picky "Career Girl." I guess they're based on the Sex and the City women or something? On this show, they're given a shitload of rules to follow in order to catch and keep a man's interest--like, put your hand exactly here at this portion of the date and this is his cue to kiss you, or avoid important issues on the date to presuably avoid seeming too aggressive or "psycho." Not to mention "great advice" like accept dates from people you're not interested in and go out even if you don't feel like it: if you have to force yourself to find people attractive, why are you even bothering? Apparently a common complaint of longtime couples is that their partner or spouse is "not the same person I married"--oh no, s/he's the same person, you're just seeing who s/he really is without all the tricks and pretense of the Mating Game, not to mention the willfully-ignorant haze of initial attraction in which we explain away or refuse to admit to the other person's flaws.
current mood:  cynical
current music: tv rots your brain
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| Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
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4:25 pm - so it goes
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Front Line Assembly
You are #CATEGORY# (with %45 Lifestyle, %77 Lyrics, and %72 Music!) |
| You are two mild-mannered guys who despite this combine into an aggressive industrial band. Combining heavy machine beats with lyrics about dead planets, turning into a cyborg, and confronting dictatorships with violent overthrow you pretty much give wetdreams to loners with camoflauge pants. Every now and then you piss of your primary fanbase by making a tune that gets played a bunch on the dance floor, and after a while you formalized the trend by actually making a different band name and hoping nobody would notice. Too bad for you we've got you found out! You duplicitous bastards have more bands than you have members. Delerium, Synaesthasia, Conjure One, it's just you and that other guy! |
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 35% on Lifestyle |
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You scored higher than 91% on Lyrics |
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You scored higher than 92% on Music |
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current mood:  bored
current music: father's car coming home
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| Thursday, May 25th, 2006
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1:42 pm - ...too late
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 | You scored as alternative. You're partially respected for being an individual in a conformist world yet others take you as a radical. You have no place in society because you choose not to belong there - you're the luckiest of them all, even if your parents are completely ashamed of you. Just don't take drugs ok?
alternative | | 83% | Upper middle Class | | 54% | Lower Class | | 33% | Middle Class | | 29% | Luxurious Upper Class | | 21% | </td>
What Social Status are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
current mood:  blah
current music: the fan of my mother's computer
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| Sunday, May 7th, 2006
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1:47 pm - meat games, round 2
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To all (especially male) singers/songwriters of MTV club hits, and anyone else who shares their mentality:
You are neither "outrageous" nor "rebellious" nor terribly original for having routine vanilla hetero sex without being in a committed relationship. You are EVERY COLLEGE STUDENT who doesn't attend Bob Jones University. (I WANT TO SEE A REALLY BUTCH GAY RAPPER WHO WRITES SONGS BOASTING ABOUT GETTING FISTED.) Nor do you look like some kind of seasoned, thoroughly debauched libertine for bragging that you love to read Playboy: you actually come off as an unimaginative-yet-horny 12-year-old boy masturbating to his grandfather's old water-stained porno mags discovered in a box in the basement: OMG BEWBS. The same goes for listing "sex" and "pussy" in the Interests section of any online profile. Also, if you honestly believe women cannot be attractive to you without being burnt an unnatural color on the outside, bright yellow on top, and with nothing but mush on the inside, you'd be better off shoving your cock into a baked potato. And deliberately misspelling very simple words (e.g. "wuts up hoez lol") does not make you look suave with the ladies--what, your dick was so hard you forgot how to type properly?--because, believe it or not, illiteracy is not an aphrodisiac. QUIT BEING A BROSEPH.
To all (especially female) singers/songwriters of MTV club hits, and anyone else who shares their mentality:
Yes, you have an ass and a pair of tits. I can see that. So do the billions of other women in the world. We ALL KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE, and in fact, I'm sort of surprised straight men don't get burnt-out on images of naked women by their mid-twenties, because it's seriously everywhere. Also, bragging about how easily you can steal other women's men (or at least worm your way into their minds so they're constantly comparing their girlfriends disfavorably to you) is NOT a valid source of female empowerment: it's just dishonorable game-playing bullshit. Remember, if a guy would leave his committed relationship just for your quivering buttocks, there's nothing stopping him from ditching your ass for some other, perkier set later on down the road. And if you actually list, AS DEALBREAKERS, shit like "he has to be at least six feet tall and make X amount of money to spend on me, teehee"--you know, things that have little to nothing to do with a person's actual character or even how physically attractive you find them--you're continually going to wind up with assholes and losers because you never bothered to consider qualities that actually matter. DON'T BE A GOLD DIGGER.
current mood:  grumpy
current music: Crispin Hellion Glover - "Auto-manipulator"
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| Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
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12:10 am - i taught her gymnastics and dressed her in . . . TIGHTS!
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"Eaten up with guilt, shame, fears, and insecurities . . . the male is, nonetheless, obsessed with screwing; he’ll swim a river of snot, wade nostril-deep through a mile of vomit, if he thinks there’ll be a friendly pussy awaiting him. He’ll screw a woman he despises, any snaggletoothed hag, and, furthermore, pay for the opportunity."
—Valerie Solanas
Now, what I've read of the SCUM Manifesto is largely an extremist caricature of feminism--life under a matriarchy would be just as shitty as under a patriarchy; neither gender is inherently better or worse, and putting a single gender in charge only hurts everyone--and I'd really like to believe it's satire, except she actually fucking shot people. Solanas is somewhere between opportunistic and batshit insane, but this passage was right on the money for quite a few individuals.
At the moment I'm pretty disgusted with humanity, the assholish tendencies inherent in human nature and the assholish tendencies instilled in people by society both. For weeks and months and years I observe human behavior and analyze why they act the way they do; it's a time when I really WANT my hypotheses to be proven wrong, and always they're shown to be even more horribly correct.
Especially all their mating games and meat puppetry: men will fuck any open hole offered them, even if they have zero attraction to or respect for the body attached to it or the brain inside it, though preferably it's a docile, submissive, empty-headed and childish body since weak men prefer weak partners (and I don't mean physical strength here)--and despite all their macho posturing, most men are weak men. Also, they're incapable of having an equal-standing emotional relationship with a female since they view their partners (and really ALL women in their lives, from platonic friends to one-night stands to committed romantic partners--hey, a cunt's a cunt, right?) as easily-replaceable smiling babydolls with glory holes, so they can only seek true emotional fulfillment with male friends who share exactly the same attitudes about women that they do. A real woman who is his intellectual equal is seen as too dominant and intimidating to go near or speak to unless they're attempting to break her.
Females don't help remedy this much: they're still taught that landing a steady penis and popping out babies are far more important in their lives than making a name for themselves through career or creative endeavors even if the latter are what they really want, and consequently they'll lie to themselves and to their future partners, obsess over how "ugly" they are by transitory conventional standards and spend hundreds to thousands of dollars to "fix" it, remain willfully ignorant by focusing on superficial interests and romantic myths and refusing to take decisive positions for fear of seeming too "intimidating", pretend to be something they're not to raise their market value, and otherwise cripple their bodies and personalities like the babies kidnapped by 18th-century gypsies to be mutilated and sold to circuses--and it seems like very few of them bother to resist.
(Note I don't literally mean "all men" and "all women". But a hell of a lot more than there should be.)
I've said for awhile that I consider myself both a feminist and a misanthrope: I think men and women are equally full of shit. Men and women are taught from birth to see each other as different species; they're taught to lie to each other, to see each other as warring tribes.
Whenever there's, say, a problem in a relationship that's clearly a result of conflicts between individual personalities, advice columnists and talk show hosts will inevitably say it's because, well, ALL MEN are like THIS and ALL WOMEN are like THIS, and if you don't believe me then STUDIES SHOW IT'S TRUE OMG SCIENCE (without going into what sort of criteria the "studies" utilized or how large or diverse the test pool was, etc.--plus in elementary Psych classes you learn that correlation doesn't prove causation, so STFU). It's like Dr. Phil walks onstage with a giant dildo, lopping the guest couple on the head and shouting "PENIS PENIS PENIS VAGINA VAGINA" and then their eyes grow wide with understanding and they nod and look at each other with warmth in their eyes. "Oh, I get it now!" says the wife. "Yes," agrees the husband, "it's because I think with my dick"--he nods at his crotch--"And I think with my uterus-controlled feelings!" the wife exclaims. PROBLEM SOLVED!
Honestly, if I'm so jaded, sickened, and pissed-off at age 21 at so many societal standards and behaviors that everyone else either doesn't acknowledge the existence of or thinks is perfectly acceptable, in 20 years I'm going to be a raving lunatic.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Boyd Rice - "Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder"
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| Monday, April 24th, 2006
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3:12 am - thoughts i think
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I think someone, someday, should form a band called:
UNICORNSLAUGHTER
Then whether you translate that as "Unicorn's laughter" or "Unicorn slaughter" will determine whether you're a 12-year-old girl or a sociopath. And we'll have that out of the way.
Also, all the songs will be about rainbows and napalm gas. But you won't know which ones.
current mood:  crappy
current music: L7 - "Shitlist"
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| Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
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3:27 am - bored on a saturday night
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A real update will come soon. Today has been largely craptacular, although last night was full of intoxicated fun and encounters with people I rarely see these days (except for a couple of creeps I could've done without). For now here's that iTunes-shuffle-answers-your-questions thing, although I just used the randomize function of my mp3 player as I don't use iTunes. Some of these answers were unusually appropriate.
How am I feeling today?
Placebo – “Passive Aggressive”
Will I get far in life?
Bjork – “Five Years”
How do my friends see me?
Seven Pines – “l’Appel des Nymphes” ("The Call of the Nymphs")
When will I get Married?
Interpol – “Lengths of Love”
What's my theme song?
Coil - “The Dreamer Is Still Asleep – The Somnambulist in an Ambulance” (A 17-minute live version that begins with Jhonn Balance joking that he's “got some horse tranquilizer for later.”)
What is the story of my life?
Raison d’Etre – “Of Dying Relics”
What am I like in bed?
Sneaker Pimps – “Think Harder”
How can I get ahead in life?
Blood Axis & Les Joyaux de la Princesse – “Avec les Fleurs . . . Avec l’Absinthe” ("With flowers, and with women/With absinthe, and with this fire")
What is my best feature?
Radiohead – “Morning Bell/Amnesiac” ("You can keep the fire drill, a bump on the head?" "Cut the kids in half??" I don't know WTF that says about me.)
How is today going to be?
Death In June – “The Enemy Within” ("Strange days we find ourselves in")
What is in store for this weekend?
Christian Death ft. Eva O – “Deathwish [Wishful Death Mix]”
What is my life like at the moment?
Blood Axis & Les Joyaux de la Princesse – “Au fond du verre” ("At the Bottom of the Glass"--actually, that was more like last night.)
What song describes my secrets?
Goldfrapp – “Slide In”
What is my current [in my case, future] lover like?
Marc Almond – “The Hustler” (BEST ANSWER EVER)
What song will they play at my funeral?:
Sol Invictus – “Twa Corbies” (A weird British folk song, WTF?)
How does the world see me?
Apoptose – “Erntewod”
Will I have a happy life?
Portishead – “Biscuit” (I think that's a definite "no.")
What do my friends really think of me?
Coil – “S Is For Sleep” (Every fucking song specific to describing me on this list is either very long or very strange, perhaps that's appropriate.)
Do people secretly lust after me?
Test Dept. – “Bang On It [Metal Edit]” (Crude but honest.)
How can I make myself happy?:
Soft Cell – “Sex Dwarf” (SECOND BEST ANSWER EVER)
What should I do with my life?
KMFDM – “Naff Off”
Will I ever have children?
Pet Shop Boys – “It’s A Sin” (Heh. My sentiments exactly.)
What is some good advice for me?:
Throbbing Gristle – “United”
How will I be remembered?
Angels & Agony – “One [Allergic Mix]”
What is my signature dancing song?:
Death In June – “Heaven Street”
What do I think my current theme song is?
Blood Axis & In Gowan Ring – “Sea Ritual”
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
Boyd Rice & Friends – “Total War”
What type of men/women do you like?
The Omen score – “The Day He Died”
current mood: blah
current music: My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult - "The Velvet Edge"
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